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kilgore

Blindsided

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Keep communicating but try to avoid screaming.  Keep trying, it's all you can do.  Make firm, clear boundaries and stick to them.

The loss of trust is the hardest to overcome, but she needs to be open.  If it helps you to see the texts, then they should be shown.  Most therapists will say no secrets and you should have open access to everything, email, phone etc. but that is something you need to feel your way through, and you need to be respectful to her for showing. 

But be prepared to see stuff you don't want to see.  Double edged sword there.

It's in the past now, can't change it.  You can move your relationship forward, but it'll be a rollercoaster of emotions.  One day at a time bro. 

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If possible, try talking through some of these:

  • What is it that she is looking for in this polyamorous relationship? Is it that she wants something she's too ashamed to ask you for? Is it that she wants to feel desired by someone else? Is it the thrill of having something that's her own (or to put it bluntly, a secret)? Is she looking for physical/in-person contact, or purely virtual is sufficient?
  • How does she see your so-called "friend"? Is she interested in the person, or is he just a convenient conduit to get what she wants? Put it another way, if it was a complete stranger on the internet, will she be happy with that? Will you be ok with that?
  • What sort of BDSM activities is she looking for? Is it something you can provide? Is it something she's too ashamed or afraid to ask you for? Perhaps it's a situation where she wants to separate those activities from her normal life?
  • What are you comfortable with? Try to separate the activity from the person. For example, if it wasn't your "friend", but rather a stranger on the internet, would you be more open to sexting and photo sharing? What if she was anonymous, say wearing a mask? Would you be more comfortable with not seeing the text messages if there is very little chance of in-person contact?

I keep bringing up strangers because with the internet, people who are into the scene can get together in a virtual space, often anonymously, and share their fantasies or even create virtual dom-sub relationships. Perhaps if that's all she seeks, then that can be a healthy outlet that you two can agree on.

Some of these items you may not get a straight answer for, but I think starting the communication without judgement is key. Keep in mind that there will likely be things you don't understand, or don't approve of, or shocked by. If you can find out as much as you can, then you'll have to decide if you can meet her half way.

Hope this helps.

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