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kilgore

Blindsided

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So been a while since I’ve been on but don’t have anywhere else to turn to. This might be a bit graphic so sorry in advance  

On Friday night my wife came to me to say she wanted to be in a polyamorous relationship. Not wanting to categorically say no I heard her out. We had watched professor marathon and the wonder women that night which I think is what triggered the conversation. 

 

She he says that she is interested in pursuing a BDSM relationship and to be a sub. We have tried a few times and it has never seemed to work out as there are some abuse issues from her past. 

I asked her what brought this about and she said she had been texting with my best friend (not local and only met twice in person for her). I set some rules as she had said she was attracted to him such as no pictures which she was on board with. Fast forward to yesterday morning and we duck like bunnies.  We did anal for the first time. She have me the best nlowjob she ever has. We stay in bed all morning like a couple of teenagers. 

She goes out Saturday night for a painting thing and goes to hang out with one of her friends she went to the paint group with. I go to bed befor she gets home but my youngest wakes up when she gets home and she’s up till 4 trying to get her to sleep. 

I am oblivious to that this morning. I get up like I normally do on Sunday’s with all three kids and do some house work. When she wakes up she wants to have sex again which we do. Then we go and take a shower. 

More housework in the afternoon and we get all the kids to sleep. While she takes a bubble bath I text my friend to find his intentions trying to wrap my head around this. I want her to be happy and I want him to be happy. 

Howver at the beginning nod this week she was doing nothing but complaining and benching about me every time we spoke. Then this wild ride this weekend. 

She did say she had sent a picture before we put the rules in place. He says he doesn’t want to hurt me but is attracted to her and wants to have sex with her. She says the same thing. During a talk tonight as I ask about the change in personality it comes out that last night after I was in bed she asked him for a picture as she is pretty insecure and he has a habit of teasing. She said nothing nude but sent a picture of him in boxers. 

 

I am livid at both of them. Him for amending it. Her for asking. I then asked to see it to see how bad it was and she refused to show me but did say she would delete it. I have no way of knowing without going into the phone and checking. I am having difficulty JB the timing of this and that no plans were made prior to. He recently moved about 5 hours away instead of across the country. 

Anyone had experience with something like this ?

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Man that's a tough break.

Little background as I can relate - in the premise of a partner seeking something outside of the relationship. I was in my late teens/early 20s when my dad sought fulfillment outside of our family. My mom let it drag on too long. The emotional strain on her, my sister and I ran deep as my dad pretty much "checked-out". It's been 14 years since I last spoke to my father. I cut him off totally and seems he's fine with that since he has me no attempts to reach out. But all these years later I'm perfectly fine. I found that fight to keep a relationship wasn't worth fighting. My Father in Law and Wife's Uncle have replaced that figure in m life 5-fold. 

So here is my "tough love" advice to you based solely on what you transcribed above. Don't take it the wrong way - nothing but a dad on dad perspective

First - your "friend" -No friend should be open to a relationship with another's friends wife, no matter what. It just not healthy. I would give your friend an ultimatum - Knock it off or we are done, Period.

I also think you and your wife need to seek out professional counseling, both as an individual and possibly marriage. What you are describing, plus you says she has past "trauma" warrants it. If that's not an options or she is not willing to fix things I would be getting papers ready. You have to determine if the effort is worth it and both people want to change. If it's only you and she still wants this non-sense, then it may be best to part ways.

You have to decide for yourself if this the life you want for yourself and the kids. You may love your wife still and want here to be happy, but you need to realize there are other people who will be affected by an unhealthy relationship. If she is happy somewhere else, then let her go, just don't let her selfishness drag you and the kids down.

 

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You need to be sure of what you want.  Separate everything else and try to objectively look at this situation.  Decide what you want and realize that decision is not wrong.

If this is a sudden development in your relationship then there is something more happening.

If you want to look in her phone, she should hand it over.  Trust has been damaged and that is the most important thing in any relationship, even more so in an open relationship.

If you said no would she stop?  My first instinct is they are already up to something and she's trying to backpedal.

Your "best" friend isn't and shouldn't be any part in this.

But be true to you; love, kids and best friends will make this very hard for you.  Know what you want and stick to it.

Edit to add: Nismo also has great advice.

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I've seen this too many times and it NEVER works out. The only way this works is if both people want this from the start and it's the basis of the relationship and even then it gets strained and I've never seen it last more than a few years.

Your wife has issues. Past issues that were never properly dealt with and she doesn't know how to respond to them. They obviously have been building up and building up, and now she is exploding. 

The last week of "greatness" is just a make up to you. Something's changed. Something's happened. A woman doesn't just become that way over-night. Is she excited by something she saw or heard or read and is taking it out on you? Is she re-living something that happened with you? Do you want to know? Probably not. It's not important. What's important is how you move on from here. No doubt you love her. She's your wife. But love not returned is a useless gesture. You can't go from a monogamous relationship to a polyamarous one. It's gonna fail. Not now, not later, but trust me, eventually those walls will crumble.

Therapy is the way to go. Maybe couple and therapy for her alone. Some way for her to talk and work out what is bottled up inside of her that she is trying to get out, and how to get it out with you. You gotta be strong and put your foot down. At the end of the day, you gotta be a man who stands up for himself and his family. Don't get stepped on. 

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Sorry to hear about your situation.

Coming from a young 24 year old that sub consciously has a dog barking a piece of meat every time a good looking smart woman walks by yet can't stand the thought of his woman being with another guy it is a hard one. Talk to her, spice things up if you can. If need be take some time off of work and maybe try marriage counseling.

Like you and Damien mentioned she has past issues. Sounds like she wants to relive some of these. This is always the hardest part about abuse or abusing substances. Once you've done it or been the abused urges/flashbacks will always be there. My wife came from a more unstable background than mine, sometimes it is a b*tch to get her to snap out of wanting to overspend but I do it to keep things on track. Be supportive in healthy ways. In the end if things get to be to much maybe take on some one on one sessions with counseling to help with the grieving process.

 

Good luck, keep strong and keep us updated.!

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53 minutes ago, Aftrthought051 said:

Your wife has Past issues that were never properly dealt with and she doesn't know how to respond to them. They obviously have been building up and building up, and now she is exploding. 

 

I agree with Aftr on this part.  Unresolved trauma is still trauma.  We have no issue when a person gets stitches for a deep physical cut, but we never make the same connection with potentially deep emotional trauma.  If she has faced such things, trying to add "new dimensions" to a relationship is doomed to failure.  Long term, even if there are no "new dimensions" added, the trauma remains unresolved, and that hurts your wife and by extension your family.  

From a "life coaching" standpoint (this is a stab in the dark - take with a bucket of salt) there has been a breach of trust in your relationship.  The breach may be "perceived" (no physical actions occurred) but it is no less damaging to trust.  I know - I breached the trust in my relationship (without any physical events) a few years ago and realized how much I hurt my wife. I took every opportunity (and continue) to find ways to repair that trust, and I am still working on it.  Repairing that trust is critical - but it may take a while; you are allowed to feel hurt, to be distrustful, to be angry!  You are not allowed to be an poopchute, as that removes the foundation AND (perhaps more importantly) demonstrates a horrible path to your children.  

If you can show your wife that your trust has been broken, you can suggest couples counseling AND you can suggest individual counseling.  Her responses will illuminate your path.  I am also well aware that "counseling" is expensive!  There are many "self-guided" books that are designed for couples.  You could give them a shot to see if either of you are even receptive to the sort of stuff that counseling will delve into. 

I tell your friend that you are uncomfortable with any contact between him and your spouse - let him know you expect him to not make any contact moving forward. No threats, no demands; a true friend with your best interests at heart will support YOU.  If he complains or asks "before we make any decisions, what does (wife) think?" cut him loose; he has ulterior concerns.  

Best of luck.

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Been down this path with an ex-wife who wanted others to help her feel good about herself. I tried being there for my ex and thinking I could deal with it, but all it lead to was an unhealthy mental state for myself as I worried and thought about what was happening to someone I cared about by another man. Plus, being in this state while also trying to be a father is tough as you need to hold it together for your kids too. Some folks can handle this lifestyle from the start as Damian mentioned, but if that's not you, then some firm lines need to be drawn so that both you and your wife can be happy (be it together or apart) for your kids and for your own health/happiness.

You can recommend therapy for both of you as a couple and her as an individual, but one piece that you probably want to do for yourself is find someone/therapist to talk to just for you. This will give you someone who can listen to what you are saying/thinking and provide feedback to what they are hearing from you. It helps open your eyes to what you need to do for yourself for sure.

Good luck and I hope it works out for the best for your family as a whole.

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So we were going good today. Out my foot down and said no to the polyamorous relationship and had pretty much decided to end the friendship. My wife and I were both emotionally drained but in a good place. 

Then she up and said that she was sexting him at the beginning of the week not after we talked on Friday night. And she changed her story to say that she had been looking into if a bdsm relationship would work for her and then looked into polyamorous as a vehicle for it. 

Innow knownnothing of what to believe. I could almost understand wanting to try bdsm as I am not a good dom. I’m more of a sub in the bedroom then anything else. However the complete breach of trust of sexting with someone behind my back and seeing if they wanted a bdsm relationship before even trying to broach a polyamorous relationship really gets to me. I’m not sure if I would have been ok but for damned sure I am not now. 

To top it off she still doesn’t think what she was doing was cheating. She understands and says that since I believe it was cheating then it was but philosophically she doesn’t think sexting is cheating. 

I asked to see the texts again before she admitted to when she started sexting and she told me she had deleted them all. Wouldn’t show me she had deleted them all but said so. 

I have been really open minded with her and the situation. I still love her but I no longer trust her. I was willing to listen to her about her need to explore the bdsm and was willing to entertain the idea. 

 

Just to to find out from a pointed question that she finally reluctantly gave that she was cheating. 

Sorry to vent but thanks for listening

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Vent away. Main reason for this site. You have to do a lot of discussion. Maybe research more how to be the dom in a bdsm relationship. I'm sure you will suck at it at first, but that's with anything we do. You never pick something up right away and are awesome at it. No one is. Work on it, and communicate. I'm sure you can please her. That's how I view it with my own wife. No man is going to please her the way I do. I'm sure you feel the same way. Research it. Practice. Talk about what works and what didn't. I'm sure you will find a way to accommodate your wife.

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