Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Barncat

Jokes for gold

Recommended Posts

Greetings,

 

The contest has ended, 1meandad is the victor, however if people keep posting jokes, I will randomly reward from time to time. 

 

I'm feeling in the holiday spirit, or perhaps feeling the holiday spirits *burp*, and am wanting to share a small part of the wealth. So, between now and Christmas, post a joke, and the funniest will receive a whopping 1250 gold from yours truly on Christmas. There will be one winner, and a strict voting panel of myself will decide which is the best, and gift you the cheapest damn gold package there is. 

 

I'll share the only joke I know, been using it since grade school:

 

A mushroom walks into the bar, and orders a beer. bartender says "we don't serve your kind here". the mushroom replies: "Why not? I'm a fungi". 

 

3...2...1... GO!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Guy & a dog walk into a bar, guy says to the bartender for some free drinks I'll let you hear my dog talk. Bartender says a talking dog, hell yeah lets do this. Guy turns to the dog & says what's on top of this building? Dog looks up & says "roof roof"  Bartender says come on really he's just barking? Guy says ok, turns to the dog & says, who's the greatest baseball player of all time, Babe????  dog says "roof roof"  Bartender gets pissed off & throws the guy & dog out into the street. The guy & dog are sitting on the curb in front of the bar wondering what went wrong when the dog turns to the guys and says....."Hey, you think I should have said Willie Mays?" 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

two cows are standing in a field when one cow says to the other "have you heard about the outbreak of mad cow disease" the other cow answers "good thing I'm a helicopter"!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

In the middle of a party a young mom's little guy runs in and yells at the top of his lungs... 'mommy, mommy I have to PEE! I have to PEE!' She takes him aside and tells him you can't yell that when people are around. She says 'when you have to go just calmly say you have a secret and I'll know what you mean.' This worked out pretty well for a while... he would walk up to her and let her know he had a secret and she would immediately take him out of the room to go pee.

 

A few weeks later a bunch of family came to visit and some stayed over. His uncle Billy was sleeping in the little guys room. In the middle of the night the little guy wakes him and says 'Uncle Billy I have a secret, I have a secret.' Uncle Billy with his eye barely open asks 'can't it wait til morning?' The little guy says with some desperation this time... 'I have a secret, I have a secret!'

 

To which Uncle Billy says as he begins to drift back off to sleep 'ok buddy, whisper your secret in my ear...'

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's a week before school ends, and little Johnny sits down in the Confessional during his last Catechism class: 

 

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned"  he begins.  " I had.....relations with one of the loose girls from school last week."

 

 "Well, I am disappointed in you Johnny, but glad you confessed" says the priest.  "Now, I'll need to know the girls name so I can speak with her parents."

 

"No Father, I will not tell you her name.  That is her sin to confess."

 

"Was it Kelly Jones?"

 

"Whether is was or wasn't, I will not tell, Father."

 

"Was it Amy Brown?"

 

"Again Father, I can not say."

 

"Perhaps it was Jill Smith?"

 

"I will never tell Father."

 

"Johnny, I find you attitude unacceptable.  If you are going to remain unrepentant by being unwilling to give me her name, I will have no choice but to relieve you of your Altar Boy duties until further notice." 

 

As Johnny leaves the Confessional, his buddies lined up to go next ask how it went.

 

"Great", he replied "I got the Summer off and three good leads!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

In the middle of a party a young mom's little guy runs in and yells at the top of his lungs... 'mommy, mommy I have to PEE! I have to PEE!' She takes him aside and tells him you can't yell that when people are around. She says 'when you have to go just calmly say you have a secret and I'll know what you mean.' This worked out pretty well for a while... he would walk up to her and let her know he had a secret and she would immediately take him out of the room to go pee.

 

A few weeks later a bunch of family came to visit and some stayed over. His uncle Billy was sleeping in the little guys room. In the middle of the night the little guy wakes him and says 'Uncle Billy I have a secret, I have a secret.' Uncle Billy with his eye barely open asks 'can't it wait til morning?' The little guy says with some desperation this time... 'I have a secret, I have a secret!'

 

To which Uncle Billy says as he begins to drift back off to sleep 'ok buddy, whisper your secret in my ear...'

 

 

Winner. Laughed my butt off from this one. Even had the wife laughing.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A man was hanging out a bar and talking to the friendly bartender when he noticed everyone who came in greeted the bartender with "Hi Bob!".

 

"It seems like everyone knows you," he commented to the bartender.

 

"Sure, I know everyone." Replied Bob the bartender.

 

"Come on, you can't know everyone."

 

"No really, I do, I know everyone."

 

"Bull. I'll bet you 100 bucks you don't know the governor."

 

"OK, you're on!"

 

The governor happened to be in town and the two of them went to the press conference. At the end, Bob the bartender waved at the governor and the governor called out: "Oh, hey Bob!"

 

The man begrudgingly paid the $100. Not satisfied, he challenged again: "I'll bet you $500 you don't know the President of the United States."

 

So the two flew to Washington DC where the president was giving a speech to a large crowd. Bob the bartender whispered to one of the Secret Service agents and handed him a note. The agent made his way up to the podium and handed the president the note. The president then says "I like to say 'hello' to my friend Bob the bartender, who's in the crowd tonight."

 

The man cursed under his breath and paid the $500. Still not satisfied, he said: "OK, I'll bet you $1000 you don't know the Pope. And no more of this 'hi Bob' BS, I want you to go up and hug the Pope."

 

So they flew to the Vatican where the Pope was holding the Christmas Mass. Bob the bartender made his way past the thousands gathered at St. Peter's Square and up the platform. The Pope, upon seeing Bob, opened his arms and gave Bob a big hug and said "Ah, Bob! It is good to see you!"

 

Bob the bartender then made his way back to where the man was standing, only to find the man passed out on the ground. Bob knelt down and shook the man to wake him. Once he was awake, Bob asked: "did you pass out because I knew the Pope?"

 

"No," the man replied, "I passed out because the guy next to me asked 'who is that man in the funny hat hugging Bob?'"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...